skinnyorbust

Ok, so I strayed. I strayed really bad. Actually logging on to this site made me feel a lot better about it. As much as I know I should have stayed on track all this time I thought I had gained another 15 lbs the last month or two. I saw on here that I’ve actually only gained 6 lbs since March. I think I’ve talked on here in the past my biggest problem is emotional eating. Well, this year is just trying to make me fat. I have probably the 4 hardest things in my life I had to get through happen to me since September of this year. I feel stronger, wiser, and slightly fatter from going through it. Now it’s time to get back on track.

I completely hate making new years resolutions. I never do it! It’s basically picking the one thing you won’t accomplish that year. So I hate that I’m starting a diet this time of year but I have extra motivation this time. My birthday is February 4th and I will be traveling to California for the first time in my life on my birthday for a 7 day vacation! I can literally not fit into any of my jeans anymore. My shirts are tight in the stomach area and in the arm area. I just feel fat. It’s hard to feel confident ever because I literally just feel how much weight I’ve gained like I’m carrying it around. I know I can’t lose the 20 lbs I’ve gained in the last year and a half before vacation. So I figured I’d go for half. I started a few days ago. I’m back counting all my points. (I do weight watchers…its the only thing that has ever worked for me so far!) I have been to the gym every day since and even doing my bender ball. I know new years eve I already will be ruining the progress I’ve made. It’s my dads birthday on top of the alcohol I will be drinking. (I know I know if I was serious about my weight loss I’d skip the alcohol…It’s New Years Eve, I’m going out for a few beers. That’s all there is too it!) Dinner for Dad’s birthday is at a fancy restaurant that requires you order 5 courses. I’ve decided I’m going to eat a light lunch so I’m not starving when we go and then eat half or less of each course. Then bright and early back on track and this is the only day I am letting myself cheat before vacation. Luckily I am poor saving for vacation so I probably won’t be able to afford to eat or drink much the next month! Haha….I guess we’ll see what happens!

So, I have been waking up at 4:45am every day this week to go run and lift weights and do squats and crunches in my boot camp. On top of that I’ve been following my diet perfectly. I know it is horrible to weigh yourself more then once a week but its been 4 days now and I haven’t lost a single pound. I’m getting frustrated….

So I had a nice little hiatus from Buddy Slim. As well as a hiatus from my diet and exercise. I didn’t completely go off track the whole time. I just had many slip ups. Luckily, somehow I have not gained any weight. I also haven’t quit smoking. Or toned up. So here I am again!! I’m not sure what happened to spark me to quit my diet. I started dating someone new. This led to lots of dinners out, lots of going to the bar for a beer after work, lots of not prioritizing going to the gym. Funny thing is, he’s a gym nut! Would’ve thought it would have made me go to the gym more! I will say this. I feel like I have a lot under control right now. I started my way back into this full force. I signed myself up for a 5:30-6:30am Monday through Friday boot camp starting today. I have no idea how I woke myself up at 4:45am to go to boot camp but somehow I did it! It is great. We meet at a park and warm up, run, do jumping jacks, lift weights, sit ups. I felt so pumped when I was done. After my work out I went grocery shopping and restocked my house with $100. worth of groceries. No excuses there. I even came home at 7am and cut up a huge salad to have in the fridge ready for me! I am on my way in the shower after this to get ready and go to my weight watchers meeting at 10am. I figure might as well weight in today so I can see the full extent of this boot camp! I also feel like I have figured out what makes me happy in life a lot lately. I am reading this book “Eat, Pray, Love.” In the book she talks about how she learned how to relax and do nothing without feeling guilty. She also made it a priority to ask herself what she wanted to do, and what she didn’t want to do, and make these goals her top priority. This is something I am trying to do in my life and I find it very important to myself now. Last but not least, I have officially told everyone not to let me bum cigarettes off them and refused to let myself buy any. Running today outside really made me realize how bad I need to quit! This is going to be the hardest part. I know I can go to the gym, I know I can diet. I’ve done both. Quitting smoking I never seem to be able to do. I have to. I want to grow old and be healthy! Ok, now I have written a novel! Time to shower! Can’t wait to get back into Buddy Slim full swing again!

Maybe this is all starting to sink in again! Last night I really wanted pizza since I hadn’t had more then chicken noodle soup and toast yesterday and everything I ate from Saturday ended up in the toilet with that horrible bug I had. I wouldn’t let myself do it and finally went out with a friend and had half a grilled chicken sandwhich (hold the mayo) and some fries. Fries were possibly not the best choice but I’ll let it go considering my weekend. Today I woke up completely starving. Taco bell was calling my name. Not sure why but thats all I was craving was a crunch wrap supreme. I made myself think about it for an hour and finally I said no it is not worth it! So I decided to go to Subway. I know an entire foot long ham sub (no cheese and no dressing) is 10 points on weight watchers. So I decided I’d rather eat a full sub for 10 points then Taco Bell for 25 points. I came home with full intentions of eating the whole sub. I finished the first half and sat there thinking for awhile about it. I’m full. I don’t need it. So my first idea was to go binge out on Taco Bell for 30 points and I ended up eating a 5 point sub and not wanting anymore. Maybe this is all starting to sink in! I should go to the gym today but I’m not 100% sure I’m ready for the gym after my bug yesterday. I think I might hold off until tomorrow, or if I get enough energy I’ll do a quick video before work. I’m just proud I finally am listening to what is smart and finally listening to my stomach when I’m full. Here I come summer bikini!

So…I’m having an issue deciding what to eat for dinner right now! I just came home from work and slept 4 hours and I am finally starting to feel better. Today I had toast with peanut butter on it to give myself some protein. It didn’t sit too well but I was glad I had something before work, even if I was only there 3 hours! I had chicken noodle soup and some bread for lunch. (brought to me at work from a guy I’ve been hanging out with…and probably the sweetest thing someones done for me in a while!) I couldn’t finish it because I felt a little nauseous half way through. I want to eat a real meal. I’ve been chugging vitamin water trying to give myself some energy. I am pretty sure I can hold down whatever I eat now but my stomach keeps making weird noises. I really do not have any desire to cook for myself so I’m about to order pizza. Such a bad idea! I don’t know what to eat tonight! Help me with ideas!

So, I just woke up from the worst night ever! Yesterday I went to the gym around 3pm to 4:30pm. When I was working out I started to not feel so well and was wondering why I was having so much trouble pushing myself. I left and went to pick up a bottle of wine for dinner. I came home and drank one glass of wine while I cleaned the kitchen. I then jumped in the shower and had to lay down when I got out because I felt so crappy. This was at 6pm. I never got out of the couch again. I threw up probably 6 times. It was horrible. I have no idea if it was something I ate or a bug but its 7am and 13 hours later and I still can hardly move and feel nauseous. I have to work at 10:30 and I’m not sure how good of an idea that is but I’m going to try and make it. There is nothing worse then being home alone and throwing up all night! Maybe that pasta I made yesterday was not a good idea?

I’m feeling pretty good today. I did perfect last night sticking to my points. Well, I ate 1 french fry. I can handle 1! I’m really tired and its rainy and chilly on my day off which kinda sucks. I woke up around 10:30 and didn’t feel like doing much all morning so I watched Anthony Bourdain all morning on the travel channel…I love him! I’m pretty much enjoying doing nothing today. I am going to go get a work out in in about an hour. Probably take my time and get a good one in since I have nothing going on today and I rushed through it yesterday. Today I skipped breakfast. I really honestly wasn’t hungry and didn’t feel like getting up to cook myself anything! I made an amazing lunch. I sauteed up mushrooms, onions, and red and green peppers in a pan with tons of seasonings and then put in a half a cup of tomato sauce, and put it over a cup of whole wheat linguini. I also made garlic toast to go with it. Two pieces of weight watchers bread and I just used I can’t believe its not butter spray and garlic. The whole meal was about 7 points. (It says its only 5 but I think 3 points for a cup of pasta is not enough! So I’m saying 5 for the pasta alone just to be safe.) It was so tasy and filling. Tons of energy to go to the gym now! I’ll probably update later. I might have my best friend and her daughter over and cook dinner for them tonight. She is the one who motivates me the most to lose weight since we did weight watchers together last summer. It will be fun to make up some healthy food for dinner and actually have someone not complain that is weight watchers! I’m sure I’ll be back to post again later today. It’s a lazy kind of day!

Today is going amazing! I woke up and it is in the mid 60s its absolutely beautiful outside! I did a bunch of chores around the house all morning and then went tanning and did 45 minutes at the elliptical on the gym. I wasn’t even going to go to the gym because my friend was coming over for lunch at 1:45 but I told myself I would do as much as I could at the gym by 1:30 and just make her wait while I showered quick. I’m glad I squeezed it in when normally that would have been an excuse not to go! I had egg whites with salsa and toast for breakfast. Then I made a ham and cheese sandwhich and a fruit cup for lunch. I had a 100 calorie pack as a snack just now and my dinner is all packed for me to bring to work with me! (A smart one, the rest of my fruit cup, a yogurt, and carrots with a 100 calories ranch dip) I had 1 cigarette so far today so I am doing great at cutting back. April 1st is my goal to be smoke free by so this is great. I’m feeling really good today. Off to work I go!

Last night didn’t go as well as I planned. I stuck to my plan at Chili’s and had the chicken fajita pita wrap. (Without fries it is 8 points on weight watchers!) I almost had a moment where I ordered buffalo chicken fajitas when I saw them at the table next to me. I refused, thank god! I did pick on a few chips and salsa during dinner. However, considering all I had to eat before this was a can of soup and egg whites I didn’t eat all that much yesterday. I did however drink way too much. I ended up only having a couple drinks at the concert but we met up with friends after the show and went out to the bar. I was having so much fun I just stopped caring about counting points as I was drinking them. I honestly don’t feel so guilty. I’m proud that even though I am slightly hung over I came home and ate healthy today so far. I had waffles and sugar free syrup for breakfast. Then I made awesome pizzas. I used 2 weight watchers english muffins and put tomato sauce on them, weight watchers mozzarella cheese, and mushrooms and put them in the oven for a couple minutes. They tasted so great and were only about 5 or 6 points for all of that! (I’ve been too lazy to figure out how many points the sauce was so I’m not sure lol but it was only 80 calories) I promised myself I wouldn’t weigh myself since the last few days my weight was jumping up into the 160s again even when I wasn’t cheating and working out. I did today to see if I had done too much damage and I’m actually 159 today which made me feel less guilty about last night and more motivated to continue to do well today. I think I’ve realized the last couple days I’m not going to be skinny in a day or a month its going to take time. So I can’t revolve my life around it obsessively. It was all I thought about this week. To the point where I wasn’t even having fun when I went out I was too worried thinking about how fat I looked. If I mess up one meal or go out and drink one night I have to not beat myself up about it. I need to just make the next meal healthy and the next day get a good work out in. I am upset that I smoked so many cigarettes last night because I was drinking. I smoke 10 times more when I drink. I’m actually taking today off the gym because my lungs hurt too much to work out I think which is horrible! I’ll hit the gym tomorrow for an extra half an hour to make up for it. I think my muscles needed a break anyway! Yesterday was painful trying to get myself through cardio my legs were so tired! I guess the best thing this week has gotten me is to realize me having an extra 20 lbs on me shouldn’t impact my life as much as it does. It needs to be more about getting healthy and being happy, not obsessing!

I had to come on and write a quick post before I go out. So I am going to a concert tonight. I go to a concert pretty much all the time, I love music! Concerts most typically involve us stopping and eating on the way there. Usually it seems to be mexican. Then we have drinks before the show and at the show. So many calories! I knew it was coming today so I tried really hard to prepare. I had egg beaters with tons of veggies and weight watchers bread. (4 points) Then I had a can of soup for lunch. (2 points) I then did an hour work out at the gym. So technically I can add back on 4 points to my daily total for working out if I want to. I usually don’t so I am going to try not to. I have 26 points a day so I have 20 points left. We are going to Chilis for dinner tonight to change it up and I already picked out on the website what I am eating. (8 points.) I have 12 points left for drinking. (a light beer is about 2 points) I don’t plan on drinking that much but I am proud I have it all figured out at least. As horrible as it sounds to drink away my nutrition for the day at least I knew it was coming and prepared for it. I was all excited at my progress until just now. I went to put on my favorite jeans and there was NO physical way they were going up over my fat ass. I finally found an outfit I am comfortable in but that really put me in a bad mood. I hope I do well tonight! Here goes nothing!